Where is he when I need him?

[April 2001]

Fandom: Dark Angel
Title: Where is he when I need him?
PenName: Empress Vader
Character(s):
Paring(s):
Rating: G
Summary: Max reflects on Ben, Zack, and other issues.
Notes: Spoilers for Pollo Loco
Warning(s):
Disclaimer: This story is a fanwork based on characters featured on the TV series Dark Angel. A television series created by James Cameron and Charles H. Eglee.


Sometime when the bad memories of Manticore start seeping in, I remember Zack, the Zack in my memories had so much strength. He was my rock.

Zack was always beautiful. He stood at attention like some precious work of art. I don’t know if he was ever as scared of the “Nomolies” as we were. When Ben would tell the story he’d sit quietly and listen, but he never blinked and never jumped, he just absorbed the information. He always seemed to be reading the world around him and this was just some new knowledge.

I envied him for it. There seem to be something in his eyes then that understood everything. Sometimes I think it’s gone, but then all of a sudden it’s there again, this wise look that penetrates everything.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain to Logan how much I love Zack, in my way, in our own way, in a way so different from anything I share with Logan. Zack was my security back in the day. His coldness was warmth, his harsh potectiveness was the nearest thing we understood to love. His eyes always seemed to express the feelings I had inside. He could look at Lydecker in ways I wouldn’t dare. I never let the hate show, at least I don’t think I did.

But Zack, my brother Zack, he knew exactly how to say “I hate you” with a look. We entrusted more than our lives to him, we entrusted our hearts. I get so much joy from saying my brother, when I think of the nobel leader, the silent wisdom. My brother, my big brother Zack, my fearless brother Zack.

Except he isn’t fearless, he’s just a man, just like I’m just a woman. He has fears, he fears losing me. But he can never lose me, there is a peice of us inside each other. It hurts to fight with him, to feel distant from him, but I have to declare my independence from him, I have to leave Manticore, not only physically, but mentally. My memories of Zack back then are warm ones, he was perhaps my first love in some odd way. Didn’t Logan say you never forget your first love? I don’t know what to think about Zack, where to put him in my heart. But I can’t give him a place that’s already occupied.

For a split second, when we were in the cave, I felt complete, like I did back at Manticore when it was just me and the others in our room. The barracks were our haven, the time we were free to be with each other. One night Zack and I had sat silently at the window and stared out into the night studying the stars. We never said a word, just looked at the world. Ben would have made up some story, jondy would have wanted to chat, jack just didn’t like to sit still, but Zack liked silence. I had this impulse to put my head on his shoulder, but never gave into it. Until I saw him again, standing in front of me, ten years later. How could I have not known he was Zack?

Everything was suddenly right with the world when I fell into his arms. And then he left me and he came back and left me again. It hurt me more and more each time and now I’m afraid to ever hold him again, because he might interpret it the wrong way.

Will I never be able to share that warmth with Zack I felt as a child again? Will I ever have the courage to share my true feelings with him? I love you Zack, I truly do, I just don’t want to be your lover. But you understand what happened that day and I would love to climb into your arms and just let it all out, let it all out with someone who understands what we did and maybe you would tell me it’s okay and I would believe you. Where are you when I need you?
 
 
 

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