RhondaWeasley.com

Title: The Me Beneath Me
Rating: R
Summary: Legend faces the feelings that have been threatening to come out for her Boyfriend’s aunt and she doesn’t know what to do with them.
Notes: Sequel to the stories ‘Burning My Hair‘ and ‘The Rebellion‘.
Warning(s): This work is full of sexual situations. Most of them involving women and being homosexual in nature. Feel free not to read it if that bothers you.
Disclaimer:  This is a work of fiction. Not intended to represent any real persons, places, events, or things. This story is copyright Dawn Kelley and all rights to these characters belong to me.

There was never question in my mind that Mitchell would be taking me to my junior prom. It was set in stone in fact. But what I didn’t expect was Mitchell’s reaction when I made the amusing suggestion that we both wear black suits to the prom. He told me I spent too much time with Zah and I didn’t see how that had anything to do with it. He and I, in my mind, had always been about shaking up the system and this “stunt”, I knew, would shake everyone. I was rejecting the common idea that girls all went just this side of mad picking out their prom dresses. Much like the boys, I wanted my choice to be simple. Basic black tux.

It was nothing new, I had always preferred the simple choices of the male wardrobe vs. the female one. On Sundays my dresses, shoes, and stockings all seemed to be such complicated things when compared to the simple choice my brothers made. A basic pair of black pants, a white freshly ironed shirt, and a tie. The only complicated thing was learning to tie those. I preferred the clip on, less work, but my mother was against that. She thought her young men should know how to properly tie a tie. And even still, I thought learning to tie a tie was a small price to pay for the simplicity of the male wardrobe.

Mitchell knew I loved my clothes uncomplicated. But he made this small thing that I had always been about relate back to his Aunt Zah. My relationship with Zah was something he couldn‘t control and he hated it.

Even then, even before I fully comprehended the depth of it, I knew I had become quite infatuated with Zah. The peace and calm that seem to follow her intrigued me. Soon after my father ripping me from Mitchell’s house and Zah’s calm suggestion that I should go with him, I saw her again. It was completely unexpected. She showed up at my school to interview for a position as the new track coach. I was thrilled when I saw her and ran up to hug her like she was an old friend. My forwardness shocked even me. She told me she had some people to talk to, but that she would like to meet me for lunch. I was more than happy to oblige. The thought of spending an entire lunch in the cafeteria basking in the glow of Zah was too wonderful an opportunity to pass up.

But I didn’t spend lunch in the cafeteria basking in the glow of Zah. Zah found me in the cafeteria, sitting alone as usual, and politely escorted out to her car. She did this without saying a word. She just walked up to me, gently touched my shoulder, and led me out the cafeteria doors. Then she directed me into the passenger seat of her midnight blue VW Bug and we were off. We drove in silence at first and I was hungry to break the silence. All I could hear was my heart was pulsating against my ribcage and I needed to fill the space with something else. I didn’t know where all the excitement was coming from, but I knew I didn’t want to leave this emotional high any time soon.

“So how’s it going with your dad?” Zah asked suddenly.

“Fine,” I replied, but the grit in my teeth as I said it was clear. Zah grinned at that.

“You know, I may not love how your parents think… from what little I know about how your parents think, but they are your parents. And your dad came there that night because he loves you.”

“Loves me as long as I’m being what he and mom want me to be.”

“Wrong,” Zah said simply. “He thinks he knows what’s better for you, because he loves you. And his approach may be wrong, but guess what Legend? He can learn to accept who you are if you first learn to accept who he is.”

“Oh yeah, and what’s that.”

“An uptight black republican.”

I laughed. I couldn’t help myself.

“But that doesn’t mean he’s a bad man and he’s certainly not abusive,” Zah told me.

“I never said….”

“But you let Mitch say it,” Zah interjected.

I frowned, now feeling guilty. “Your nephew knows things. I just…”

“My nephew only knows what everyone else on the planet knows, what he’s been taught. He’s a smart boy, but he idolizes his father. And while his father is a smart man, he doesn’t see all of anything either.”

“What do you mean?”

“For example, his father… my brother doesn’t see me,” Zah explained. “Not completely.”

“You mean, because you’re… you know.”

“No, I don’t know. I’m what?”

“You know funny,” I told her. I didn’t want to say Lesbian or Gay as they both seemed like foreign diseases that shouldn’t be anywhere near her.

“I’m a Lesbian, not a comedian,” she retorted. “In fact, I’m rather bad at jokes. I’ve never been quick in that way, but I admire it in others.”

“Well Mitchell says,” I began sheepishly. “That life is based on a man and woman…”

“What, making a baby? Who says? What does it say for our lives if our only purpose is the next life. You’re basically saying there’s no point in living now, because only the future matters. But if the future is all that matters, then the now will never matter and therefore the future doesn’t really matter either.” I sat confused, pondering this before she continued. “I think life is based on love, pure and simple. People reproduce people without love. It’s completely biological and it‘s a survival instinct. But if they love and care for that child, that’s what makes the next generation better and the now better at the same time. That’s what makes the world grow… reproducing love… not the biological reproduction. Don‘t get me wrong, it plays a part and probably will always be there, but it‘s not the beginning and end of it all.”

I realized all of a sudden, she was right… and Mitch was wrong. I never in our whole relationship questioned Mitch. Before he was my boyfriend I had a lot of questions about the things he said to be true, but he always turned out to be right. So I stopped questioning anything he said at some point. It was a shocking thing to come to terms with.

“That looks more like you by the way,” Zah commented.

“What?” I questioned.

“The sweats,” she stated plainly.

I looked down at the Addias sweat suit I had on. “Really?”

“Yeah, you looked so uncomfortable in that peach dress. Who picked that out?”

“My mom,” I replied.

From that point on we had a long and involved discussion about my mother. I told her how I felt about her, among other things, burning my hair to make it straight. She told me that wasn’t a “black republican” thing, it was a “black people with hair issues” thing and that it wasn’t likely to change anytime soon. I told her about my parents issues with me playing sports, she laughed again and said they were just looking out for me. That boys got weird at puberty and that she completely understood why my parents would try to protect me from fondling on the basketball court or football field. Everything I told her she turned into something understandable.

We had some fish at a seafood place. I wanted burgers, but she didn’t eat red meat. Neither did Mitchell, but while he forbade me to eat it Zah said she was perfectly willing to take me to get a Burger (she just wouldn‘t have one). She was so reasonable, I knew then I wanted to eat wherever she ate. So we shared a lunch of seafood. I returned to school on a cloud. My one sort-of friend, a girl named Sue, asked me if I had seen Mitchell at lunch. I said no and she said “Well who are you cheating on him with.” My head snapped around at the accusation and she said “What? You have a smile that won‘t quit and this… glow… all around you. You seem like you’re in love.”

In Love? I thought that was insane. I couldn’t be in love with Zah. She was a woman and I was neither a man or a lesbian… or was I?

I pondered this question as I finished the day then laughed at the idea when I saw Mitchell that evening. Seeing him I was always reminded about how he opened my eyes and I felt alive with him. That was, until he touched me. I mean my stomach didn’t turn or anything, but the fire Mitchell ignited in me was found in his words, in his presence, not in his touch or his kiss. But I hadn’t exactly touched or kissed Zah. And the same thing that thrilled me most about Zah (her mind) was what thrilled me most about Mitchell. Except, there was this something else with Zah that excited me. Something I had felt even before I knew what an incredible mind she had. Something I would have felt even if she had never spoken a word to me. Acknowledging this scared me and I knew only one thing. I had to prove I wasn’t a lesbian.

So that night as I sat in Mitch’s room studying, I tackled him with my kiss. He was shocked for only a moment before accepting my kiss and melting into it. But as he grew more aroused, I grew more reluctant. My mind was set on proving Sue wrong, but my body was against it. No, the flesh might have yielded if I pushed it. But my spirit, that’s where I knew it was wrong. So after working him up I suddenly said… “Stop”

“What?” Mitchell replied.

“I’m sorry, it’s just. I suddenly realized I can’t go through with this,” I told him.

“What do you mean? You started this,” Mitch snapped, pushing me away gruffly. “Don’t you realize you can’t get a man worked up like that and push him away?”

“I’m sorry, but I just realized … I…I…” I mumbled.

“You what? Don’t want me?” Mitch questioned.

“No, of course I want you, but I want it to be special.”

“It being you and me will make it special,” he responded.

“Prom night,” I told him. “I know it’s cheesy, but let’s make it prom night. Okay.”

“Legend, I want you now,” he said pulling me close and capturing me in a kiss. His arousal was pressed against me, telling me I had taken things too far before saying stop.

“I’ll take care of you,” I whispered. “But not all the way. Not tonight. Prom night.”

And so the caress of my hand and some intimate kissing solved my problems for that moment, but it was only the beginning of me crumbling.

As he began to plan our romantic night in earnest, I became more and more infatuated with his Aunt Zah. He knew Zah had gotten hired at my school, but thought the most we shared was a passing hello in the hallway. He didn’t know about the hours I spent with her after school helping her organize paper work or put away equipment. He didn’t know my lunch periods were now spent eating a sandwich in her office. And most of all, he didn’t know when I closed my eyes at night, all I saw was Zah. We were never doing anything exactly. Nothing intimate happened in these dreams. They were just dreams of her and I together.

As I became more and more infatuated with her everyday. I gave it a million labels. I told myself we were just friends and she, like Mitchell, was shaping me into a better me.

Then it happened… I didn’t plan it or want to see what I saw, but I did. I’d left my wallet in my gym locker that day and ran back to get it after a long after-school tutoring session in the library (I was struggling in geography – maps are not my friend). I reached the locker room and quickly opened my locker, only to discover it wasn’t there. Frantic to find it, I searched the entire locker room and my search brought me back to the showers.

Somehow, in my frantic search for my wallet, I had ignored the sound of running water. It was actually the feeling of hot steam as I got near the showers that made me pay attention to the sound. And when I looked up, I saw the sleekest most beautiful sight in the world. Zah, completely naked before me. She was like some beautiful piece of artwork, perfect lines and curves. A delicious little bump of a butt, a perfect handful of bossom, and dark like the most refined chocolate.

And she was in the arms of someone else. Mrs. Wilson, the tough as nails Algebra teacher. There was nothing all that sexy about Mrs. Wilson, she was a heavy set white woman who wore thick glasses and during the day displayed the exemplary example of a grown up nerd who had been bullied too much in school and now had entirely too much power. Her husband was a small man who’s favorite phrase seemed to be “yes dear”. She was rude to students and no one much liked her. Yet, of all the Mrs. Wilson rumors that spread across the school, no one ever guessed or implied she was a lesbian.

Despite my dislike of Mrs. Wilson and finding her generally unattractive, the scene before my eyes was so intense I was captivated by it. They were lost in a deep kiss. Mrs. Wilson was pushing herself against Zah and letting her fingers sink inside of her at the same time. Zah moaned, mumbling expletives I’d never heard from her as she sunk on the chubby fingers of the woman.

All I could do was stand still and stare as sensations I had never known rushed from my head to my toes. A fire was ignited in my core and it was screaming for something I didn’t want to hear. Then I heard.

“Legend, oh my god, what are you doing here?” Zah broke away from Mrs. Wilson searching for something to cover up with.

Zah’s voice snapped me back into reality and I realized how disgusted I should be. Because I wasn’t, not really, I was angry with myself. So I ran. I didn’t stop running until I reached outside.

That was a Friday and I spent the weekend trying hard not the think about what I had seen. But every time I closed my eyes I saw that body in the shower, wet and glistening in a cloud of steam. I saw Zah moaning with her arms wrapped around another woman. And finally, I imagined that woman being me.

That Monday, I avoided Zah. She wasn’t my teacher or my coach, so it wasn’t that difficult. There was no avoiding Mrs. Wilson however. She grabbed me up after my first period math class with her. Then shut and locked her door. I was too angry at her to be intimidated.

“What you saw is not to be repeated. Is that understood?” she questioned.

“I don’t care what nasty things you do,” I snapped back..

Mrs. Wilson shoved me against the wall then. “Don’t fuck with me,” the teacher snapped. It was the first time a teacher cursed at me. “I know you want to do exactly what you saw me doing last Friday.”

She was in my face now and she smelled disgusting. Like wet dog or something and my stomach turned. How could Zah have let this woman touch her?

“Zah needs a woman, not a confused little baby dyke. So don’t think losing me my job will make you special to her. And remember, if you lose me my job then she goes down with me.”

I frowned. I already knew all that. It was either tell on both or tell on neither. I didn’t have the power to hurt Zah and I hated Mrs. Wilson even more for knowing it.

“I don’t care about either one of you fucking dykes!!” I yelled with as much conviction as I could dig up on the bottom of my broken heart. “I’m normal!!”

Then I unlocked the door and escaped from the classroom.

Sue kept asking why I was down and I told her it was nothing. She knew I was lying and pushed me to open up until I yelled at her. At that point in the day, she stopped talking to me. I was left to wallow in my own pain, jealousy, and a thousand confusing questions about who I was really.

Then Zah appeared at my locker after school.

“Can we talk?” she asked coolly.

I wanted to say no and walk away, but I didn’t have the power to refuse her. So I silently followed her to her office instead.

“Mind if I lock the door?” she questioned.

“No,” I said, sadly. Unlike Mrs. Wilson she had asked.

So she locked the door of her office and pulled down the blind on the windows.

“Legend, we need to talk about your crush,” Zah said to me, taking a seat behind her desk.

“What crush? I don’t have a crush,” I retorted. Then I moved to the other side of the room so that I would not have to look at her. “I have a boyfriend, your nephew. You remember him, Mitchell.”

“Yes, I remember him, but do you after Friday? You haven’t called him.”

“That’s none of your business!” I snapped. Then panic set in. “Wait, you didn’t tell him, did you?”

“Of course not. Who I mess around with is no more his business than it is yours.”

I was taken aback.

“Why I mess around with her is another question. I don’t even know the answer.” She said this more to herself than me. She sounded so confused, as confused as I was about my own emotion. I looked at her and saw pain for the first time. My heart broke for her and the anger I felt at myself was replaced with sympathy for the woman who had become my friend.

“You can do better than her,” I finally said. “She’s horrible. Why would you like her?”

“I don’t know if I like her,” Zah admitted. “In fact, I’m pretty sure I don’t.”

“I don’t understand that.”

“There’s something… I don’t know… powerful and sexy in her confidence. It’s intoxicating at times, but I never should have allowed myself such weakness inside the school.” She sighed and her head fell into her hands. “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you. You’re a child.”

“I’m not a child,” I told her. I walked up to her, feeling less and less in control of myself as I did so. I dropped to my knees next to her.

“No, you’re a young woman,” she told me. “A beautiful woman, but so far from knowing who you are or what you want.”

“What if I told you I know exactly what I want,” I stated. “But I’m scared of it. I‘m scared of what it means.”

“Lege–” she began, but I lifted up and silenced her with my kiss.

When my lips met hers it was something different then anything I ever felt before. My heart, my body, my soul all seemed to connect and scream yes. There was no indecision in any part of my body. And much to my surprise, she accepted my kiss. She met it with the gentle return of her own lips. It didn’t last though. Reality came crashing back, much to quickly when Zah pushed me away.

“No Legend,” Zah said.

“What do you mean no? You felt it Zah. I know you felt it. We belong together,” I told her, trying desperately to hold on to her.

“No Legend. I work here, you’re a student, and you’re my nephew’s girlfriend. And more importantly, you’re not really ready. These feelings are so new to you and so fresh that you don‘t know what you‘re doing.”

“But I do, I feel ready,” I stated. “Zah, I think about you every moment you’re not there. When I’m with Mitch, all I can see is you. My soul hurts when I’m not with you. I’ve never felt this for anyone else.”

“You will Legend. But this can‘t happen, it’s not right. And I think you know now Mitch isn’t right for you either.”

At that moment, just as quickly as love had filled me, the anger that comes with rejection filled me. “That’s what this was all about, wasn’t it?!! Breaking up me and Mitch. I should have known better. People have been trying to do that since we got together. Well you won’t win, none of you. He was right. You’re just sick and you’re trying to make me as sick as you are. Well I’m not!” I yelled, rage now brewing to the boiling point inside me. “Fuck you and fuck that fat ass pig of a dyke that you’re fucking with!!!”

I unlocked the door and slammed it on my way out of that office. A part of me was hoping Zah would pursue me, but she didn’t. She let me go. She knew what had been released inside me and she knew only I could come to peace with it in my own time.

I went to see Mitch that night and just laid in his arms, hoping to feel some small sliver of what I felt with Zah. That completeness never found me though. In fact, I seem to lose any illusion that I loved Mitch the way I thought I did. Words that once excited me now seemed empty. Kisses, holding hands, and all other displays of affection were only for show. I felt dead inside. And that was why I suggested it.

“How about I just wear a tux too,” I kidded with Mitch when we went to pick out his tux.

He couldn’t believe I had made no moves to get a dress for prom. Unlike most girls, I was just planning to pick up something that fit close to the date.

“Are you crazy?” Mitch questioned. “You’re not a man.”

“I know that!” I snapped. “It’s just easier. Every time I go to get a dress it‘s like what color… long or short… no frills or frills here or there or anywhere. Then there‘s the underwear to go with it… strapped bra, strapless bra. Then there‘s slips and all that other junk. And why? To go to a party with my friends pretty much.”

“Legend, this is your night to be my beautiful black queen. I’m not walking in there with a king on my arm. It’s bad enough I can’t keep you out of sweat pants.”

“They’re comfortable!” I argued. It was funny that the one thing he liked about me he was now criticizing. “And who made up these man/woman clothes rules anyway. How come ya‘ll get all the easy stuff and we get the rocket science of wardrobe? I mean heals, come on. It‘s not natural to walk in a shoe made like that!!”

“You’ve been spending too much time with my Aunt Zah,” he said.

“What does that have to do with anything?” I argued. Besides, when she’s not at work it’s not like she’s in sweats. She’s one of the most elegant women I’ve ever met, not that I like her all that much.”

“Tuh,” Mitch snorted.

“What?”

“You tell me you love me and I try to believe it, but everyday it’s starting to feel more and more like bullshit.”

“I do love you,” I argued, walking up to him. “Didn’t I say I would show you how much on prom night.”

“But you don’t even seem to care about making it special. You want to dress like a man.”

“Fine, I’ll get dress. A beautiful dress, but the only thing that’s going to make the night special for me is you.”

“You really mean that?” he questioned, looking more unsure than he had since I’d known him.

“Yes,” I replied and kissed him with as much passion as I could work up. I dug deep for that little girl so fascinated by him and gave him that girl to kiss. But she seemed like an alien using my body for awhile. And my soul was not at peace with being used.

I gave the task of picking my prom dress to my mother. She, with the help of my eager baby sister and my friend Sue, dragged me around until they found something to stick me in. My dress was black and form fitting, strapless. Everyone said I looked stunning, but I didn‘t feel it. Still, I smiled and pretended the magic was there. Maybe I would have found some enthusiasm in my own beauty if my heart didn’t feel dead in my chest.

I had to find my own hairdresser as my mother had no interest in dressing up my locs for that day. I would not ask Zah, but another one of Mitch’s aunts pulled and pinned them into so elegant a bun my mother almost forgot she hated the hairstyle.

My night was ideal. Mitch had saved all the money he could from his part time job to make it so. He’d rented a limo and completed his suit with a top hat and cane. He was a complete gentleman, a prince almost for the entire night. A part of me loved him for his dedication to me, but the deepest part of me felt separated from the moment. Once again, the girl who was now an alien, the girl who idolized Mitch above all others was forced to take control. And she didn’t want too, because she knew she was a make pretend version of who Legend really was.

It didn’t help Zah was chaperoning the event. She tried to give me the space I pretended I wanted, but Mrs. Wilson (despite the company of her husband) did not do the same for her. Every time I caught sight of Zah, Mrs. Wilson was with her trying to strike up conversation. I watched Zah slip away from her more than once. My anger at Zah’s rejection faded away, because it was now centered on Mrs. Wilson’s inability to take a hint. At the end of the night though, while her husband was busy sharing guy talk with the principal, I saw her grab Zah roughly and drag her into the hall. I couldn’t handle it. Mitchell was ready to go, but I lied and said I needed a bathroom break.

I saw Miss Wilson drag Zah into a storage closet room off the ballroom. I hesitated a moment before following. Then I heard.

“You can’t give me all of you Mil, so why do you keep doing this?”

“I can’t leave my husband for you. I’d lose my job,” Mrs. Wilson argued. “But when I see you, I just…”

I heard nothing, so I peaked. “Mil” was pushed up against Zah, kissing her again. I wanted to rip her off of Zah, but she wasn’t fighting her on the kiss until…

“Mil stop.” Zah pushed her away. “We can’t. I can’t.”

“You tease me with this dress that’s painted on and then you say no,” Mrs. Wilson said gruffly.

“You’re married, okay. So no.”

“Don’t punish me for him.”

“I said no!” Zah insisted, jerking away from her embrace. The stronger Mrs. Wilson pulled her back.

“I need you,” she insisted. She pushed herself against Zah again, but Zah was fighting her this time. I heard fabric rip and that pushed me through the door.

“She said no!!” I yelled.

Mrs. Wilson’s head snapped around to look at me.

“You little–” she began, her fist raised in my direction as she stepped away from Zah.

Zah quickly got between ‘Mil’ and myself.

“Mildred, leave her alone.”

“This is what you want… a baby?” Mrs. Wilson questioned.

“She’s my nephew‘s girlfriend. Leave her alone,” Zah stated simply.

“Tell her to go and leave us alone or you’ll lose your job,” Mrs. Wilson said to her. “I’ll make sure of it.”

“If she loses her job, you will too. I’ll make sure of it!!” I yelled back.

“Listen, no one has to lose anything. Just give me a moment with her, okay Mil? Please, if you feel anything for me…”

“Fine, I‘ll be back here in a half hour,” Mrs. Wilson said. Then she pulled Zah close for rough kiss before leaving us alone.

When she disappeared through the door, I quickly turned and cupped Zah’s face in my hands.

“Did she hurt you?”

“She always hurts me,” Zah admitted, pushing my hands away.

“Then why are you with her?”

“You don’t know her like I do Legend,” Zah told me. “She’s got her own hurt inside and… well… there’s no explaining us to you without sitting down for a really long story. And it’s none of your.”

I decided she was right. I didn’t want to know about her and ‘Mil’ anyway. I just wanted to be okay with her again. I just wanted…

“I’m sorry for the way I left you,” I said suddenly. “I think… no I know… I love you Zah.”

She smiled. “I love you, too, Legend. But I can’t let you love me the way you want me, too.”

“I don’t understand,” I replied.

“You’re too new so you won’t, not until you’re not new and you meet someone who is new. The thing is, you need to come into your own. You need guidance, not someone to take from you what you are not ready to give.”

“But am ready,” I insisted, pulling Zah to me. “I’m so ready.”

I could feel her heartbeat increase, feel the heat between us. I knew she wanted me, despite all the reasons she said she shouldn’t.

“You don’t know what you’re saying,” Zah replied.

“But I do Zah. You can feel it, you can feel me, you can feel yourself wanting me, I know you can,” I pushed myself against her and felt taken over by some insane instinct to have her at that moment. Was I as bad as Mrs. Wilson? Deep down did I understand why she had pushed herself on Zah so forcibly? Of course I did, but if Zah said no I would go and go immediatly. At least, that’s what I told myself.

“God Legend.” Zah laughed. “You really do go through extremes. One second you’re yelling about how you’re not a dyke, the next second you’re throwing yourself at a grown woman.”

“I told you, I don’t care anymore,” my voice cracked then, desperate. “I love you and that’s all that matters to me right now.” I felt a tear fall.

Zah reached up and pushed that tear away. Then she smiled at me and cupped my cheek.

“Did I tell you how beautiful you look tonight young lady?”

“Do I?” I asked. Suddenly I was very pleased with the people who helped me choose my dress. “I mean, is this me?”

“What do you mean, is it you?” Zah questioned.

“You said that peach dress wasn’t me. You said the sweat suit was me. This dress, is this me?”

“When I said that I simply meant I could see you were comfortable in your own skin. So no, this dress isn‘t you, the sweat pants aren‘t you. A suit, a dress, a pair of slacks, it makes no difference. No clothes are you,” she replied. Then she kissed the tip of my nose. “This is you.” She kissed my neck. “And this is you.” She ran a hand around the exposed skin of my neck. “And you’re beautiful, because you’re you.”

Zah kissed me then. It wasn’t safe or smart. Not if I truly cared about her, but all I understood and wanted at that moment was the feeling of her against me. I needed to feel that me inside me that I had been fighting for years. Zah was the only person that had always known where it was … where I was… she just wasn’t sure that she was suppose to be the one to reveal it to me until that moment.