When he needed me
[May 2002]
Fandom: Dark Angel
Title: When he needed me
PenName: Empress V
Character(s):
Paring(s): Asha/Logan
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Asha’s love Logan for most of her life, but can he ever get over the love that he lost?
Notes:Set between AJBC and Designate This. Also a scene set around Asha’s final scene in “Dawg Day Afternoon”. I wanted to write Asha’s missing story and play with her history with Logan. And write her character a clean break from the DA Universe (somewhat). I also got to make up anything I want for the S1W, which was fun. v Disclaimer: sniff sniff, Dark Angel was the creation of and produced by Cameron/Eglee productions. I will miss you DA.
Warning(s):
Disclaimer: This story is a fanwork based on characters featured on the TV series Dark Angel. A television series created by James Cameron and Charles H. Eglee.
“I want to go home,” Nia said. “Face it, things haven’t been the same since we were betrayed by our own. And Eyes Only doesn’t need us anymore with two super soldiers on the payroll.”
“They’re not on the payroll,” Asha argued.
“Just because one is your boyfriend–”
“He’s not,” Asha interrupted. “Alec was a mistake. Thankfully, not too big of a mistake. Romantically at least, Logan was too.”
“It’s not the same,” Nia said. “All Eyes Only cares about is Transgenics now. Who cares about starving kids and police corruption and the advantages being taking on the everyday man because of a failing economy.”
“He cares,” Asha said.
“Maybe he did,” Nia said. “But it’s like he’s forgotten that anybody without a barcode is worth fighting for. I sympathize with the transgenic people. Their creation never should have been, but now that they’re here, they are people with rights. And it’s wrong to enslave them, even in the military. But this world isn’t heaven for any of us. This isn’t my fight, I’d rather be home securing my own family’s welfare.”
“I understand Nia,” Asha said. “I hope you know you were one of the best friends I ever had. I’ll miss you.” She hugs her. “Do what you have to do.”
“And what are you going to do.”
“I have to give Logan this,” Asha said. “It’s video of–”
“Let me guess, a transgenic?”
Asha didn’t reply.
“I won’t be here when you get back,” Nia said.
It saddened Asha to hear it, but she understood.
Just a year ago, not even a year ago, they had been so confident. They fled San Francisco for Seattle patting themselves on the back. It seemed like a lifetime had passed since then and in that time she’d grown up a lot.
*********
About a year ago….
Asha skimmed the apples in the fruit stand of the sidewalk market. She had been in Seattle for two days and things had only gotten more difficult for herself and the S1W members that fled to Seattle. As much as she respected their new impromptu leader, she knew the group was on the verge of falling apart. Nia, who was across the street examining poultry, knew the same. They needed something, someone, stronger, to get the group back on it’s feet.
Asha thought she should call her mother, she hadn’t spoken to her in a long time. There argument still rang loud in her ears some nights and it had been many years since she’d laid eyes on her mother.
“Asha,” Nia said coming over. “I don’t know if we can get enough for everyone on our budget. These are cheep prices, but not cheep enough.”
“Tell me something I don’t know.”
“I was hoping you would say that,” Nia said with a smile. “That guy over there knows were we can score some decent stuff in bulk.”
“What guy?” Asha questioned.
Nia pointed across the street.
“I know him,” Asha said softy.
“You do?”
Yes, she knew that scruffy looking guy standing there in a jacket to well. To look at him, you’d think he was broke. Struggling like the rest of the folks in the street. But she couldn’t believe that, because she knew this guy or at least she’d known him as a Cale boy. She knew the kind of money he came from. Logan sweated money, didn’t he? But Logan had always been a rebel, at least in the days she had known him. However, there was something different in his eyes now, something sad, lonely, broken. How far had he fallen?
“Stay here,” Asha said.
Asha walked slowly across the street toward him. He was looking at some chickens and didn’t see her. When she reached him, she couldn’t think of anything intelligent to say. Hello just didn’t seem clever enough.
“Yale boy,” Asha said. “What you doing in my neighborhood?” She had said the same thing to him years ago.
He turned and looked at her. His eyes lit up as if he hadn’t seen anyone, really seen anyone, in a long time.
“Asha,” he said. “What are you doing here?”
“Trouble at home.”
“Home being?”
“San Francisco.”
“And now you’re here?”
“Yeah, but I’m not alone.”
“Married?”
“No”
“Children?”
“No,” Asha said. “You just met my friend Nia, we’re here together.” He gave her a questioning look.” Not like that, there’s a lot of us. But right now we’re just trying to eat.”
“Yeah, Nia was telling about that. Maybe I can help you out with that.”
“We’re alright, we always get by. And You don’t seem to be doing great yourself.”
“I guess I do look like a bit of a bum,” Logan said looking down at his clothes. “I haven’t had much of a reason to change clothes or bathe for that matter.”
“What happened Logan? Last I saw you were all ready to marry what’s her name.”
“Daphne,” Logan said. “Daphne and I never got down the aisle. I did get married though and divorced.”
“Divorced? So no wife, any kids?”
“No”
“I never imagined I’d run into the heir to the Cale family fortune in a street side market all alone.”
“Heir to the Cale family fortune? Hardly, I was only one of many feeding out the family pot. And that pot is dry. Well, not really. But what happened to Cale industries recently didn’t exactly help my monetary status, but I’m hardly destitute.”
“That’s right, the Hover Drone thing. I read about it somewhere. You were investigated right?”
“Cale industries was,” Logan said. “I was just a man with an interest in the company, I didn’t run it, Jonas did. After his death, Bennett handled things. I believe he’s the head Cale man now.”
They stared at each other for awhile, neither quite knowing what to say next.
“Like I said, I’m not destitute. I can help you and your friends.”
“I would really appreciate it,” Asha said. “If it’s really not a burden.”
“My car’s just around–”
“Car? It’s not a limo is it?”
“No, it’s just a car.”
“Still, if you own a car, the poor, broke, look you’re sporting now, really must just be a look.”
Asha signaled Nia to come over and join them. Nia ran over.
“I thought you wanted me to stand there forever,” she said to Asha.
“Sorry, Logan’s an old friend, I guess we carried on a bit with the chatter.”
“So you two know each other for real?”
“Yeah, we’re old friends,” Logan told her.
“I was in high school when he was going to Yale. We met at a party me and my friends snuck into.”
“You went to Yale?” Nia asked Logan.
“Yeah,” Logan replied.
“Logan here was my first kiss,” Asha said.
“I thought she was 18 at the time,” Logan said in his defense.
“And how old were you?”
“Not 18, but I had to add a few years to ease his mind,” Asha replied and the two women laughed. “Logan freaked when he found out.”
“All right, enough reminiscing,” Logan said as he pulled out his keys. “Let’s get moving.”
As they got in the car, Logan flipped out a cell phone and called a his “guy” to tell him he was coming by. The style and design of the phone made it clear Logan still was still in the money.
After Logan took them to pick up the food, Asha guided him to the warehouse that was the current squatting site of the S1W (what was left of it anyway). Harris and a couple of other S1W guys were outside doing a whole lot of nothing (which was becoming habit). Harris didn’t look to happy to see the strange vehicle coming in. His demeanor didn’t improve when he found out Nia and Asha were with the stranger.
“Who’s this?” Harris asked Asha.
“A friend,” Asha replied as they all moved toward the trunk. Logan opened the trunk. “Food, which I believe we needed.”
He ripped open one box and examined the can.
“It’s fine,” Asha said sternly, obviously not to pleased with this reaction.
“How do you know that?”
“Because I trust Logan.”
“And what did you have to do to get this Barlow?”
“Nothing,” Asha yelled back. “Logan’s just generous like that.”
Logan was sick of Harris by this point. He didn’t like the way he talked to Asha. Who in the hell did he think he was?
“You don’t get something for nothing Barlow,” Harris said.
“It’s not for nothing,” Logan said. “She’s agreed to join me for dinner.”
Harris turned toward him. He looked at Logan’s three week old shirt and his frumpy clothing. Harris looked at his face, more unshaven then usual. He probably looked about 10 years older than he was.
“This is a lot for one date Barlow,” Harris said to Asha.
“Maybe I think she’s worth it,” Logan replied.
Harris looked from Nia to Asha to Logan. He grabbed a box from the trunk.
“I hope she pays you back real good for it old boy,” Harris said walking away.
Some others came over and got the other boxes and Nia took the last one in.
“Please tell me that’s not your–”
“If you’re going to say boyfriend, stop now,” Asha said cutting Logan off. “Never has happened, never will happen.”
“I just said that for him, you don’t have to come–”
“You’re not taking back your dinner invitation, are you?” Asha asked looking up at him.
“Do you want to come home with me?” Logan asked.
“Do you really want me?” Asha asked Logan. “I mean, do you really want me there, at your house.”
“Yes,” he replied. “I want you…at my house that is.”
She smiled and he opened the door for her. She got in and he got in the driver side. They were silent then, a comfortable silence.
When they pulled in front of Logan’s building, Asha wondered if she hadn’t made a mistake. Or Logan had made a mistake. After that party so many years ago, Logan mastered the art of trying to get rid of her, why would he want her here now? There was that time, that time she almost thought he loved her. He caught her with that other guy from his dorm. A guy who was a little too drunk and wanted to sleep with anything female with a pulse. He’d saved her that day from losing her virginity to stranger. Not that when she finally lost it it was anything special, but at least it was her choice.
“You live here?” she asked taking a good look at the building.
“Yeah,” he replied. “In the penthouse.”
“You’re definitely not destitute,” Asha said to herself. “What do you do?”
“A lot of little things. My interest in Cale industries allowed me to be what I wanted. But Cale industries wasn’t the beginning and end for me, I had a trust fund and other investments to keep me on my feet. I budget well.”
“I never imagined a Cale boy would have to budget,” Asha said. “I always thought the world was at there fingertips.”
“I wish.”
He led her inside and up the elevator to his apartment.
********
As she entered the open space of his apartment, her eyes widened. Logan watched her looking around, examining his things. He excused himself and went inside the bathroom to wash his face and quickly give his teeth some brushing. As he was doing this he met his own face in the mirror.
“What am I doing?” he asked himself. Why had she turned up now after so many years, just appeared with a smile? Why did she want to be near him when he looked like…like this?
He needed to be alone now, not entertaining company. The last person he had spoken too, really spoken too, was Original Cindy. She showed up to find out what happen, it hurt her to hear it, but she didn’t know what it was like to see it. Ever since the day he held a near dead Max in his arms, he had felt near dead. He wanted to blame Zack and Lydecker for mission failure, they were suppose to be the best. He wanted to blame Krit and Syl for bailing on him saying Zack would have wanted it that way. But in the end there was only one person to blame, himself. He failed her. And when the ringing of that truth got to loud in his head, he had to go outside to breath. That’s what happened today and in that momment he found Asha. He hadn’t changed his clothes since the last day he held Max. It was some illogical effort to preserve her scent, but it only preserved his guilt. And when he saw Asha, he suddenly wanted to look better, to say hello and get to know her without the guilt. But even that made him feel guilty. He owed Max…no more than that, he loved Max.
He shouldn’t allow himself anyone else, especially not Asha. Asha…little Asha was here. Except she wasn’t little now, she wasn’t a teenager, he wasn’t a College student. He was a man, she was a woman. A woman who needed his help. What was that group she was in? It certainly didn’t seem–
What did it matter? He owed Max all his thoughts. He couldn’t think about anyone else’s troubles.
He left the bathroom and walked back into the living room where he left Asha. She wasn’t there. He found her in his study looking at a frozen image of Max’s face on his computer.
“Who is she?” Asha asked.
“No one,” he said running and cutting off the monitor. “You have to go.”
“I didn’t get my dinner.”
“I never should have invited you over.”
“Why?”
“Because this can’t happen.”
“What? Dinner?”
“Dinner,” he said to himself. “It always starts with dinner.”
“Logan,” Asha said. “It’s just dinner, not a marriage proposal. I don’t expect anything but a good meal with an old friend. If you have something going on with–”
“I don’t, you just have to leave.”
“Fine,” Asha said storming toward the door. “I’ll leave.”
Logan stood there watching her leave, but as soon as her hand reached the door something happened. “Wait,” Logan yelled. She stopped. “Stay, let me feed you as promised. Logan Cale isn’t in the habit of breaking promises.”
Asha turned to meet his eyes. “Are you sure?”
“I haven’t been big on company lately. Perhaps I need you…you’re company that is.”
“Logan,” Asha said. “What happened to you? What’s wrong?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
“Try me.”
“I can’t, not yet.” Logan told her. “I’ve been trusted with information, I can’t just spill to anyone. I hope you understand.”
“Okay,” Asha said. “I suppose I have my secrets too.”
“So dinner?”
She nodded. “But why don’t I help you in the kitchen.”
He agreed and she came in the kitchen with him. As they worked together, Logan had to wonder about his need to keep her here. He hadn’t touched her since they’d run into each other, not even a hug. He’d kept a safe distance even as he smiled at her. He was afraid to touch her. If he touched her would things change? Would the pain lessen? Would it be okay to feel something besides loss?
He was afraid to give up on Max. He’d push Bling away in his drive to be alone except for the memory of her, he’d been satisfied in his solitude. Maybe now he realized that was a mistake. Asha was like family, someone so much a part of his history it was hard not to want her to stay even when parts of him screamed ‘I want to be alone’. Turning her to the street would be like turning away his little sister, except she wasn’t his sister, not really.
“Why don’t you go wash up and change clothes for dinner,” Asha told him as she turned down one of the burners. “I can finish dinner.”
‘Change clothes?’ he thought. “You sure,” he asked.
“Yeah,” Asha said. “I’m fine.”
Change clothes? Clean up? Could he do it? No one had ever asked him to.
Logan entered the living room in a clean shirt and pants. He didn’t know how he had done it or why a simple request from her got him to do it. He only knew it had been done. He had taken Max off of him. Asha didn’t know he was being aided in his mobility through a exoskeleton and he didn’t want her to know. He didn’t want to appear any more weak then he already did.
Asha had laid dinner out for them when he came in. The layout was complete with candles, the good silverware, actual plates. He had changed clothes and he was looking at a setup he hadn’t seen since Max was there.
“You clean up nice,” Asha said.
“Do I?”
“The appeal of a clean shirt to a woman is amazing.”
“Don’t get too excited,” Logan said. “I can’t promise you this situation will last.”
She smiled as they sat down to eat. For a long time they were silent and Asha picked at her food. Logan finally decided he had to say something.
“Tell me Asha,” Logan said. “Who are these people you’re with?”
“Friends,” Asha replied. “Despite a couple of assholes, overall they’re good people Logan.”
“They’re not that S1W group I’ve been hearing about?” he asked.
Asha didn’t answer.
“Asha, Freedom fighting isn’t a game. Way back when I told you that–”
“You’re not my father Logan,” Asha interrupted. “Don’t play that role again.”
“I’m just saying you have a tendency to–”
“I’m not a child anymore!!” Asha yelled sharply. It shocked Logan. Asha took a couple calming breaths. “Let’s not take ourselves right back to where we left off. I’m no longer some little teenage girl following my latest infatuation with a guy.”
“You’re not?”
“No, I don’t need a guy to feel validated,” Asha told him. “Can’t you look at me and see that?”
“I just see Asha.”
“Your Asha,” she told him. “Your little sister, isn’t that what you said. I’m a different person now, just like you are. Basically the same, but more grown up. I’m not that girl who ran behind you waiting for your approval. I’m a grown woman with my own ideas about things. No one controls that, not you, not the S1W, not anyone.”
“I’m sorry, it’s scary to look at you and see a woman.”
“Scary?” Asha asked.
Asha smiled and it was almost seductive, in a creepy way. This was little Asha after all, except she wasn’t.
“So the great Logan Cale finds me scary?” Asha asked.
Logan look down at his plate and played with his food, not comfortable with meeting her eyes anymore. “Forgive me for questioning your judgment about the S1W,” Logan said. “It’s surprisingly clear that you are a woman now.”
“I’m really glad to see you Logan. I don’t want to argue.”
“Me neither.”
They managed to finish dinner without coming close to another argument. They talked a lot about old times, the territory there seemed smoother. Dinner lead into the living room where they shared laughs and entertained themselves with some TV. Then it happened, she dared to lay on him. He nearly jumped out of his skin. She felt it and jumped back.
“You okay?”
“Yes, I just–” he began and then stopped.
“I’ll leave,” Asha said standing up. “This situation is obviously–”
“Don’t,” he said reaching for her hand.
Their was something cautious about him, something in his eyes that needed her, so she sat back down.
“Stay,” he asked her.
Logan knew he was being selfish, holding on just to hold on, using her. He didn’t understand his need for her, he just needed her to stay…and she stayed with him …she stayed.
The next morning he woke up to the smells of pancakes and bacon. He had been skipping breakfast since….he couldn’t remember the last time he had breakfast. And he rarely had anyone cook for him, it was … nice, it was … different … it was dangerous.
He held a woman that wasn’t Max all night, just held her as they lay together on the couch. He was being seduced by the smell of someone else’s cooking. As soon as he entered the kitchen, she handed him a plate. She must have gotten up early and washed, she smelled like soap .. she smelled good.
“Promise me you’ll eat all that, no matter how bad it taste.”
He smiled. “I doubt anything that smells this good can taste bad,” Logan replied. “Asha I want to tell you that we can’t ever–”
“I have to go,” Asha quickly interrupted.
“What?” Logan replied surprised.
“I have to get back to the group,” Asha told him. “Like I said, no more chasing some guy.”
“You’re serious about the S1W.”
“They’ve been my family for awhile now.”
“Be careful,” Logan said.
“I will,” Asha said heading toward the door.
“Asha,” Logan called and she paused. “Will you be back?”
“Maybe,” Asha said leaving as quickly as possible.
When Asha left his apartment suddenly became a tomb again. An empty tomb full of memories he didn’t want to see. Only Asha’s warm breakfast was left to sooth him.
************
Asha left because she had to. She promised herself a long time ago not to become a guy’s doormat again. She’d had her wild days, but they were over.
That girl. That girl on his computer screen had something to do with his pain, but what? Had she died or left him? Had she been kidnapped? Who knows? All she knew was that Logan had lost that suave, controlled, man he use to be. All the things that made him a good con-man. Logan had always been good at getting the women he wanted, but in the end these women he chose seem to find a way to gut him. And when Logan fell, Logan fell hard.
Asha wouldn’t allow herself to go back though. She couldn’t go back in time. She couldn’t become that little teenage girl again who got patted on her head and sent home after crashing that college party. When Logan kissed her early that night, he hadn’t known, hadn’t known how young she was, hadn’t known it was her first kiss, hadn’t known it was her first time being in any kind of romantic situation with a guy. She couldn’t go back to him … at least not right now. She couldn’t make him her everything again.
She wanted to believe fate had brought him to her, here in this place. She wanted to believe this was there second chance. But the fact was, he was grieving, he didn’t want her, he just needed someone. Not to long ago that would have been a good reason to stay, she wouldn’t have left this morning or the next day. He would have loved her because he needed it, but she would have only been rebound girl. She didn’t want that, she wanted to be seen as a woman, to be loved as a woman and respected as a woman. She couldn’t accept anything less if she wanted to be the woman she claimed to be. She’d be his friend, but she wouldn’t be that attention starved puppy clicking at his heals again … at least she hoped she wouldn’t.
**********
It really was his fault. Looking back Logan could see it. He’d forced her into working for him. She said there were people who were looking for her and working for him would just make her visible. And he hadn’t listened, because then she hadn’t been Max. 10 years, for more than 10 years she had been safe and then she met him. And in his determination to make her believe and think and act the way he would, he’d put her in danger. He provided an environment, a scent, for her to be tracked and captured.
His fault, it was his fault. There was no way around it. His fault, so it was his duty to find her, fight them, or both. So he dismissed everything and everyone else from his mind and went back to his work.
**********
“Have a good night?” Harris asked as Asha entered the building.
“Unbelievable,” Asha replied. “The man could go all night.”
Harris rolled his eyes and walked away as Asha met up with Nia.
“What really happened?” Nia asked.
“Dinner with an old friend,” Asha replied. “He’s really hurting right now. Something happened he doesn’t want to talk about right now. And it involves a woman.”
“A woman?”
“Yeah, he had a picture of her. She’s really young, but she has these old eyes.”
“Old Eyes?”
“Yeah, like they’ve seen a lot,” Asha said. “Logan needs me, I think. I’m scared of falling for him again. I have to watch myself.”
“Just go to him, take a chance.”
“No”
“You want to go back to him. I can see it.”
“And that’s exactly why I have to stay away. I’ll be his friend, but I can’t be stupid. I can’t lose myself over him again Nia, I just can’t.”
“What, besides love, is worth losing yourself in.”
“Nothing is worth losing yourself Nia. Sharing yourself and losing yourself are two different things. When my head is mine again, I’ll visit, but I can’t let him be my everything again.”
“Alright,” Nia said.
“So what’s on the table for today?”
******************
Night had fallen. It was dark inside Logan’s penthouse when Asha came in, surprised Logan had never bothered to come to close the door. She found Logan in the study lying asleep next to his keyboard. Papers were all over the place and Logan’s elbow was on the down key causing the screen to scroll down quickly. She moved his arm and it stopped. The picture again. She noticed there was a guy behind the girl this time and they were both dressed in fatigues. She looked down at the papers.
“Manticore?” Asha said to herself. She picked up another piece of paper. “X5 452, cat DNA, 12 escaped. What is this Logan?”
“Max,” Logan mumbled in his sleep.
“Max? Is that her name Logan.”
As if he was aware of company, Logan slowly came awake.
“Asha?” he said sleepily.
“Yeah?” she replied. “You forgot to lock your door.”
He searched for his glasses.
“What’s Manticore?” she asked.
Suddenly Logan was wide awake grabbing papers from her hands.
“Who in the hell do you think you are going through my private papers!!” he yelled.
“I’m sorry, I was concerned. I was hoping to find some answers.”
“Don’t worry about it, just leave,” Logan said shutting down his computer and gathering all he could to be put away.
“Fine, if you don’t want to trust me, I’ll leave. But Logan you’re falling apart and if you don’t let someone in, you’re going to kill yourself. You’re just going to waste away. And if that happens, you’re not going to be able to do anything for Max.”
“How do you know her name?” he yelled grabbing her and shaking her. “Did they send you?”
She broke away. “You said it in your sleep,” Asha yelled back. “Do you really think I could hurt you?”
He studied her silently.
“Fine, don’t believe me. I’m the enemy,” Asha said backing away. “I’ll leave.”
She got as far as the door
“Wait,” Logan said. “I’ll tell you.”
**********
Logan needed to clear his head, so he took a moment to make a pot of coffee before he and Asha sat down at his dinning room table to talk.
“Have you heard of Eyes Only?”
“Yeah,” Asha replied. “Big name around here. Sometimes he has broadcast across the west coast or across the US. I heard once a broadcast of his reached Canada. But it’s mostly a local thing.”
“Right, well I work for him.”
“You would. I’m surprised you aren’t him.”
He smiled. “About a year ago I met her by accident.”
“Max?”
“Yeah, she broke in here. Scared an Eyes Only witness I was holding. I tracked her down and found out she was one of 12 escaped children from a government lab. She was just all grown up. It was hard to believe the story was even true until I saw her.”
“And you fell in love with her?”
“Not on purpose. It started out just business and anything else seemed pointless anyway. What would a super soldier want with an average guy. No, worse than average, a cripple.”
“A what?”
“I didn’t want to tell you, but I suppose I might as well.” He stood up.
As he began to loosen his pants Asha panicked. What was he doing? Then it was revealed, some kind of metal brace on his legs.
“What’s that?”
“An Exoskeleton. It helps me walk. Without it I’m wheelchair bound.”
“And she left you because of that, because you couldn’t walk?”
“No,” Logan said. “She loved me despite it. We had out fights, arguments, disagreements, but in the end we always fought together. And then–” He paused unable to go on.
“Then what?”
“We tried to end it, but they took her, they won. 10 years, she was fine for 10 years. And I make her work for me and–”
“She could have always said no Logan,” Asha interrupted. “Don’t blame yourself.”
“How can I not? I let them take her back,” Logan said fighting tears. “I let them take her back to her hell. I wasn’t strong enough.”
Logan slid in the chair and Asha walk up to him and hugged him. They sat in silence for a long time.
“Logan,” Asha whispered. “You’re not alone anymore. This is just the kind of alliance the S1W needs to come back together, to be strong again. Maybe that’s the reason we met, to make the S1W an Eyes Only Ally. ” She took his hand in hers as she backed up. “We can fight this fight together. Whatever we have to do, we’ll do. Save her or give them hell.”
“You’re a good friend,” Logan said.
“So are you,” Asha replied.
Asha facilitated a meeting between Logan and the S1W. Harris wasn’t to happy about this. However Logan’s journalistic background, including his work with Nathan Herrero, was more than enough reason for the group to agree to hear him out along with the fact he had provided food for them. The group seemed more than impressed with him. He talked to them about the various accomplishments of the Eyes Only network. And said, ‘While one man gets all the credit, the success of Eyes Only was a team effort.’ He said Eyes Only has not only been a positive force in Seattle, it had been a seed for groups like their’s elsewhere. Asha was there to support him when doubters stepped in and the alliance made sense to them. Harris couldn’t fight against the entire group.
Asha came home with him at the end of the day. Logan seemed alive again. It was the first time, since she’d run into him in Seattle, that he really looked alive. He broke out the drinks as they came through the door.
“To a new alliance,” Logan said toasting her.
“A new alliance,” Asha replied.
Asha sat in silence a few minutes, enjoying the warm moment between them. But then she saw the stack of papers beside the couch. She didn’t wonder what they were, she knew.
“So Logan, if we get her back, if she’s okay, I suppose you won’t have much use for me anymore.”
“Asha, Miss Barlow, You’ll always have a place in my life.”
“I hope so,” Asha said. “You were more than my first love you know, you were like my mentor. But I know I wasn’t ever much more than a little silly suburban kid to you.”
“You’re more than that. You have a strong heart,” Logan said. “Though one thing hasn’t changed.”
“What?”
“You still fight like a girl,” Logan said.
“Shut up,” she said throwing a pillow at him. He laughed and she laughed and for the moment there was happiness and peace.
******
Asha woke up alone on the couch. She heard typing. She peaked in the study. Logan was hard at work again, but there was a determination in him now instead of that dead look. His fire was back and she had helped him get it back. That fire in his eyes made her feel good. Deep eyes, his eyes were deep as the ocean. She still couldn’t help hoping a little, just a little, that Max wasn’t coming back. She couldn’t help wanting him, it wasn’t something she could turn off or control, but she knew deep down that ties weren’t broken with his super soldier girlfriend.
So she continued to help him, the group helped him in any way the could. He helped them become more organized. Sometimes guilt still got him and he fell down, but she was there to pick him up. When he needed a moment, she made him relax and take a breath. They were a team.
And then Max came back and everything changed…..
******
And here she was, back in Logan’s penthouse as he investigated the lastest Transgenic trouble.
Had it only been months ago that coming to Logan’s felt like coming home? Why had she ever allowed herself to fantasize about becoming Asha Barlow-Cale. That had been another time, another place, he didn’t need her anymore. She still refused to be that girl again, that girl who would follow him around even when she wasn’t wanted. Nia was right, Eyes Only had an interest in the transgenic freedom that was undeniable. And she had a feeling it had a lot to do with Logan.
She couldn’t fault him, even she had been seduced by the idea of the physically perfect mate. Alec had come out of nowhere, a genetically engineered creature of beauty, like Max. But what Alec had wasn’t in his looks, it was in his eyes, in the way he carried himself. She liked Alec, it was hard not to like Alec even when you were telling yourself he was jerk and a womanizer. She would have given it a shot with Alec, but she had always loved Logan. She might have learned to love Alec, but it was probably better that she hadn’t. Not because relationships with Transgenics were trouble, but because it was just too complicated between the four of them. Alec had feelings for Max and she knew it. She had feelings for Logan and he knew it. It was just to easy to fall into each others arms. Eventually the questions and doubts would have destroyed the two of them.
As she stood next to Logan telling him to give Max a break, that relationships were new to Max and Alec, she knew she was really searching for a reason to stay. But there wasn’t one. There was no future with Alec, no future with Logan, no future in the Transgenic freedom fight (at least not for her).
When she left Logan’s that day, she walked for a long time. She thought about her future, her past, her now. Perhaps the S1W would finally fall apart, perhaps it would repair itself, but her place within it and Eyes Only was gone. She didn’t belong anymore.
She couldn’t leave without saying good-bye to Logan.
It was night when she arrived back at Logan’s. She entered his apartment and thankfully he was alone. She found him shutting down his computer. He was her mentor, her guide, her heart. And now it was time to let him go.
“Hey,” she said as she walked up to him.
“Hey,” he replied with a smile. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m here to say good-bye”
“Good-bye”
“I’m going home.”
“San Francisco?”
“No, not San Francisco, home, indefinitely.”
“Why?”
“You know why Logan,” Asha said. “I love you. I can’t have you, I know that. Broken up, together, virus, and all … you and Max can’t leave each other alone. You love her and she loves you.”
“She has Alec now,” he said with bitterness.
“If that’s true, how long do you think it will last? They’re too alike, they’ll kill each other.”
“I want you to stay Asha, for the last year you’ve been my closest–”
“Ally.”
“Friend.” Logan looked into her eyes. “I’m surprised how much I like having you around.”
“I’ll always be your friend, no matter where I am,” Asha said. “But I’ll always want more and I can’t have it.” She walked up to him. “That hurts in ways you can’t imagine.”
“I know exactly what it feels like to love someone and not be able to be with them the way you want,” Logan said taking her hand. “But what we do is more important. The fight is more important.”
Asha pulled her hands away. “It’s your fight and it’s your fight because you have hope. You can hope things will change, hope there’s a cure.”
“Asha.”
“You needed me once, but you need me less and less everyday. And now you only want me here because she can’t be here, because she can’t touch you.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is true. I’ve been her hands, I don’t want to become her to become her lips and her body just because I want to be with you.”
“Asha,” Logan said. “I would never use you like that.”
“Not on purpose, you never do it on purpose, but if I stay and you get desperate and lonely enough–”
“If you think that little of my character than go ahead and leave,” Logan said going into the kitchen and pulling out a glass. He reached for his liquor cabinet door and she came up to him and put her hand over his.
“Logan,” Asha said. “You don’t want to do that. You know you want her here, you know it’s her. It just hurts right now because you don’t think it’s possible. This is your calling, these Transgenics, their fight for freedom. It’s not my calling, mine is still waiting for me out there somewhere.”
He took his hand off the cabinet door. After a moment he spoke again. “Thank you,” he whispered.
“For what?” Asha asked.
“Just being here for me when there was nobody else. You might have saved me.”
“Like I said,” Asha said. “You’ll always be my friend.”
He turned to her and ran a gentle hand over her cheek. Little Asha had saved him from the pit he buried himself in after Max was nearly killed, after she was taken away from him. Who would have thought? Little Asha was truly a woman now.
“I do love you Asha.”
“I know, but not the way I love you.”
He meant to say good-bye, she meant to walk away at that moment. But something else took over and he kissed her. She let him kiss her, she let him deepen the kiss. He held on to her so tight, she couldn’t escape. No, she didn’t want to escape him. So they made love, for first time, for last time, it became their good-bye.
They both understood it as good-bye. In the aftermath he lay there holding her, not wanting to let go. You only realized what you had when it was slipping away. He couldn’t have asked for a better friend than Asha.
“I’m sorry,” Logan said. “I did use you.”
“We used each other,” Asha said. “And it’s okay.” There was silence. “Give Max time,” Asha continued. “She loves you, there’s no one else for her. You are together, maybe not in the way you want, but that’s not what matters.”
She left in the morning while he was sleeping. His battle was here and hers was elsewhere. She was now free of Seattle, free to find her destiny, whatever it may be.
Good-bye Eyes Only, I’ll miss your deep eyes, deep as the ocean.
-END-
